10 Best Days of the Week

by Maxwell Flora XXI and Jonathan Harris Zamsky

 

10.  Monday

When the sun’s chariot first kisses the horizon on this day, all the world groans. The first day of the lunar cycle, Monday was named after the ancient Roman leader Monogamy. This day is the worst because it only has six letters. C’mon, Monday!

 

9.  Smyrnaday

The third day of the weekend, it only reveals itself to the true believers. Only 7 of the chosen few in Smyrna, Tennessee have experienced Smyrnaday and completed each of its 12 challenges before midnight. Only ranked ninth because we can’t prove its existence. Try again next year, ya big faker!

 

8.  Wednesday

Right after the sweet, savory scent of Tuesday's bosom, and before the deciduous Thursday envelops us in its piney grain. Ranked seventh because w is ranked 24th in the alphabet, and we only take winners!

 

7.  Saturday

Ah. Yes. Finally. What we have all been waiting for. Mmmmmmmmm. Yum. scrumptious. Slrrpslrrpslrrrp.  Let us harvest the decadent fruits of the week, and rejoice in song. Saturday gets bumped down to seven due to U.G. “the french butter” Lee, a clown who stole class hamsters from elementary schools across the nation, was mysteriously found dead…. Or was he!

 

6. Thursday

It is consistently ranked the happiest days of the week, but also the worst day for spiders. Although human happiness is important, PETA has intervened and demanded we move Thursday to number six. No more, no less. Thanks, PETA!

 

5.  Keratinday

Keratin is the protein that protects epithelial cells from damage or stress. Keratin is extremely insoluble in water and organic solvents. It is the key structural material making up the outer layer of human skin!

 

4. Friday

The honeysuckle of the week, as Alaskans call it. Did you know they have over 17 words for the day Friday in their native tongue! It only gets number four because Alaska is the widest state in America. C’mon, Alaska!

 

3. Leeday

Leeday is a great demonstration of American patriotism in honor of General U.G. Lee, who coincidentally shares a name with the clown who class hamsters feared in elementary schools across the nation. Each week, on the eve of U.G. Lee, schoolchildren recite the Pledge of Allegiance 194 times! Thanks, America!

 

2. Sunday

How can you forget your first Sunday?  Aunt Dinah hands you the first slice of Hawaiian pizza. Your family appears frightened, shivering in their wool, vinaceous boots.  However, you feel something familiar, something that has always been there: home.

 

1. Tuesday

“Cub goin’ up, on a Tuesday.” The fight song of the jungle’s royalty decrees that when this day arrives, the ultimate war shall ensue between animals and the featherless bipeds. When the lion cubs hear this tune, their only mission is to kill.  Long live the glorious animal kingdom! We shall rise again!