Harry Styles

By Kate Seltzer

Hello PLS! Harry Styles’s long awaited solo album, Harry Styles, drops in only one and a half hours. Homeboy could’ve done better on that title. That’s right, folks! I am waiting until literal midnight to listen to this rich former teen sing some songs, and then I am staying up PAST midnight to review them for all my fans. Why won’t Zenith give me my own column? It could be called Glee-nith , Zaynith, or 1D-nith, as those are the only topics I write about. This comprehensive review of Harry Styles includes my first impression of the title of each song, my feelings while hearing it for the first time, and my overall review of the track. I left my glasses in my room so I can’t really see, but music is about hearing and not seeing!

Track:  Meet me in the Hallway
Pre-listening opinions: That’s so spicy. I could refer to a picture of Styles and former bandmate Louis Tomlinson in a hallway, but this is a school publication and we will leave this title up to interpretation.
Feelings: Interesting instrumentals! I’m super digging the intro! This is kind of spicy. SO spice. I love Slow Hands by Niall Horan! This is good but lyrically repetitive. I like that he’s experimenting with different sounds and textures of his voice. The “just let me know I’ll be at the door” is the exact same melody as the “we’ve been here before” part of Sign of the Times. The bridge is so good. The last 30 seconds of this song really make it!! Love. 
Rate: ;)

Track: Sign of the Times
Pre-listening opinions: Okay so to be honest this song dropped at the beginning of the month and it came out so fast that my only pre-listening opinions were like omG!!!!! Harry!!!!!!
Feelings: emo emo emo emo EMO! Cool wind sound. Why is this boy so sad. Why is this song about irl death. Harry’s voice sounds so nice what the heck. Oh man he’s really saying bullet a lot. WOAH THAT GOT MORE INTENSE HALFWAY THROUGH!!!!!!!!!! I can jam. I’m not crying boy can u chill. What is this song about. Fame? Girlfriends? Boyfriends? Death? Who’s to say. His voice sounds so good in my ears. Jamming still. Cool wind sound again. Yelling (from Harry). Yelling (from me). ☹ why so sad. Good outro.
Rate: thumbs down reaction but in a supportive way

Track: Carolina
Pre-listening opinions: North or South?
Feelings: Oh yeah. The home thing is sweet. He says saw but it sounds like sawr because he’s so accent. I’m bopping so much! She shouldn’t crash parties that’s so rude. He keeps saying she’s a good girl but tbh her actions don’t reflect that! What is the truth Harry. I met her once and wrote a song about her = shhhhh but it’s a good song anyway.
Rate: yeahhhhhhhh buddy

Track: Two Ghosts
Pre-listening opinions: Sounds SAD! Not sign of the times confusing/death sad but like seems like it’s gonna be so real and I’m kind of not looking forward to it. Unless it’s about Caspar!
Feelings: The intro almost sounds country and I’m not mad. His voice sounds so good. I love this melody and the lyrics. Sad bop. This is SO good. It’s really sad because it’s like goosebye hope, but it is so honest and raw and that’s all I need from this boy. The chorus is awesome, but alsothe verses and instrumentals are awesome so there’s that. I’m really into this song.
Rate: o man!

Track: Sweet Creature
Pre-listening opinions: Ok so this was a single and I honestly can’t remember my first impression of the title except that I wanted a different sound than Sign of the Times. I like SOTT but it was SO heavy!
Feelings: HARRY YOU ARE DELIVERING!!!! This song is literally so pure and sweet! Also homegirl can BOP! When I run out of road is a firmly cute line. He really cut back on the instrumentals for this track, and it was a good choice. I literally can’t listen to this song and not smile! There are some lyrics that are a sad kind of cute, but the main theme of working through problems and relying on those you love is nothing but happy. I want to listen to this song on loop forever probably or until I get bored.
Rate: HECK ME UPPPP

Track: Only Angel
Pre-listening opinions: Please g*d I hope this is better than Hey Angel.
Feelings: THE OPENING MAKES IRL ANGEL NOISES! There’s some indistinct talking as well. The first minute is a FAKEOUT because it turns Carolina-style JAM. The lyrics are Meet Me in the Hallway spice meets Carolina theme with a touch of Two Ghosts background but barely. I’m bored. But maybe I would be less bored if I hadn’t heard this song TWO TRACKS AGO. As this song goes on it’s really just the sequel to Carolina not to be rude. But it’s not rude if you’re correct. 
Rate: Good song. Emphasized “Carolina”.

Track: Kiwi
Pre-listening opinions: Haha get it cuz like fruit
Feelings: OOF that really starts! I feel like I’m driving to the beach in 1985. Harry you literally don’t have a child what the fronk. All I can think of is that episode of glee where Finn sings “You’re Having My Baby”. YOU’RE IN A BLACK DRESS SUCH AN ACTRESS IS A TOP 5 LINE. Very into that melody. Some of these lyrics are incredible and some of these lyrics are I’m having your baby it’s none of your business but there’s NO in between. Rock on baby!
Rate: good stuff my friend good stuff

Track: Ever Since New York
Pre-listening opinions: What happened in New York? Everyone keeps saying it’s about Taylor Swift but I’m debunking this right now in my new article. I present to you:  TS Debunked.
TS Debunked By Katherine D. Seltzer
●      First of all don’t @ me, I <3 TS
●      And the song could very well be about her
●      But probably not and here is why
●      The only reason people think that is because Taylor’s brand is New York
●      But I am minimum 30% sure and maximum 98% sure that the Harry/Taylor relationship (“If that”-Louis Tomlinson) happened before NYC was her brand
●      ALSO LITERALLY SO MANY THINGS HAPPEN IN NEW YORK EVERY DAY IT IS THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS
●      TAYLOR SWIFT DOES NOT OWN NEW YORK
Feelings: Fun intro. Tell him something gosh darn it! This song is so mysterious what is it about. As the song goes on I just get more curious about the situation that this is about but I love to respect privacy. There’s no water inside this swimming pool almost over that’s enough from you! Tell me something I don’t already know! Slow bop.
Rate: 100% 

Track: Woman
Pre-listening opinions: Me too, Harry.
Feelings: Who is that American boy in the beginning? Voice sounds good. Lyrics good. Melody, backtrack, sound engineering good. This is like a mature verson of Happily and I love it! Bop dot com.  I don’t even have anything to write because I’m just dancing and listening. The backing vocals are also excellent.
Rate: 5 stars

Track: From the Dining Table
Pre-listening opinions: Is it about chicken wrapped in parma ham with stuffed mash no ok. My prediction is that it will be about a long-term couple who are growing apart/broken up and the discomfort surrounding that but also like who the heck knows? 
Feelings: Last song! Cool sound. Sad but good. Interesting as the last track because it’s easy to listen to musically but lyrically it’s still extremely emotional. It feels like a “goodbye”—to both the subject and the listener. It feels like he’s getting everything off his chest. It’s simple and raw and honest. Neither a bop nor a jam, From the Dining Table is the goodbye song I didn’t ask for but will listen to on loop anyway.
Rate: Round of applause for my boy H Styles

Album Review: This album can be split into bops and jams. Bops include Two Ghosts, Sweet Creature, Ever Since New York, Woman, and From the Dining Room Table (I know). Soft Jams include Meet Me in the Hallway and Sign of the Times, while jam jams Carolina, Only Angel, and Kiwi really bring out Styles’s rock style. Personally, I’m more partial to the bops, but you know I would literally die for this entire album. I can’t believe it’s literally illegal to listen to anything else ever again but hey, I don’t make the rules.